


25 lives

by baloonflies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universes, I don't know how to tag this, be kind to me, link to the comic is in notes, this is the first thing i've ever written in first person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:28:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2608502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baloonflies/pseuds/baloonflies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s only fair that I should be one, to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you’ll return to me. </p><p>(based on a comic 25 lives by Tongari)</p>
            </blockquote>





	25 lives

**Author's Note:**

> so um, here's a [comic](http://everything-after-childhood.tumblr.com/post/63636079336/one-of-my-favourites-and-how-amazingly) . 
> 
> huge thank you to amazing [Chevonne](http://babblingblog.tumblr.com/)for betaing this
> 
> feedback appreciated

25 lives

_i_

_The very first time I remember you, you are blond, and you don’t love me back._

First time I see you from the window of the coffee shop you are laughing at something as you pass coffee to a customer. Your hair is blonde and your shirt is red.

You smile at me when you pass me my coffee and you are so beautiful that I don’t want to let go of the coffee just so I won’t have to leave.

I don’t leave and I watch you as you come over to clean a table next to me and I ask your name and you tell me and then you go back.

I come back every day and I watch you as you talk and smile and laugh and kiss that beautiful boy with dark eyes. When I leave you always tell me “goodbye Harry” and give me one of those smile that made me fall in love with you.

_ii_

_The next time you are brunette, and you do._

I watch you every night and day as you water plants and talk to your friends or sleep on the couch.

I’m always by your side.

You pet me and tell me I’m the best and you give me baths and I still love you.

Your dark hair sometimes sticks to your forehead when you’re out of the shower and I nudge it with my nose. You always laugh and tell me that you just cleaned up, but still feed me your meal from your hands.

You don’t complain when I make a mess of your shoes or bark late at night, you ruffle my fur and take me for a walk.

_iii_

_After a while I give up guessing if the colour of your hair means anything._

I see you coming from the window of the café, you hair looks dark lilac through the blurred glass, but I know the exact shade of it, which is light and my favourite colour in the whole world.

“Hey, Niall” the bartender calls out when you come inside and I smile when I you wave at him and your face lights up when he points at me. “Your boy is here” he says and you start walking toward me.

You don’t let me speak, you kiss me and I feel like I was never even gone.

“Hey” you whisper.

“Hi babe” I say and you kiss me again, mumbling about how you missed my voice and I tell you “I missed your everything”.

“How was your trip?” you ask as you climb down from my lap to sit next to me.

“Boring, traumatic, lonely” I answer while playing with your hands, so small in mine, and I cannot get over the scars and new cuts on them. “How was school?”

“Nice. Learned some new dishes, gonna be cooking them for you all week” you say.

“Didn’t learn how to chop onions without cutting your hands though, did you?” I flick your nose with my thumb and you chuckle, and this is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen you.

“Chef Martin put me on washing duty for week for that” you blush a bit and I love you so much right now. I tell you and you blush like the first time I told you that.

“Really,” I say “I love you so much I didn’t think I could breath when you weren’t with me, sleeping by my side on that fluffy hotel bed” you laugh and tell me I’m a sap and that you love me too and I don’t want this life to ever end.

_iv_

_Because even when you don’t exist, I’m always in love with you._

I spend 24 years of that life looking for you before I finally realize that you don’t exist.

I see a painting in a gallery where my landlord takes me. It’s his friend’s charity exhibition and I have to go; as much as I hate this kind of painting, I love my landlord. I think of than one lifetime when you were a philanthropist and I had to come with you on every one of these events. You would apologize every time and I would feel bad for making you feel bad.

I see a painting and it’s you in it. You look exactly like I saw you first time; your hairs’ blond and your eyes impossibly blue and I suddenly have to stop breathing for a moment.

The artist says its just part of his imagination, no one really and that’s when I know you don’t exist.

I buy the painting and live this lifetime staring at it.

_v_

_I remember most fondly those lifetimes where we get to grow up together._

I knock at your window and you are so fast to open it I think you were waiting for me. I climb in and check my own window to see if I accidentally locked it before I give you a tight hug and you hug me back just as tightly

“Happy birthday” I say and you giggle, pulling away from me “you’re nine now”

“No I’m not, I will be tomorrow” you whisper.

“Nah, you already are. It’s past twelve.” I smile at you and giggle; you always loved my smile when I was missing teeth. “I even got you a present” I fish a small box out of my back pocket and give it to you.

Your grin is huge when you see it but your eyes confused when you open it.

“It’s very beautiful, Harry, thank you” you tell me and I come to sit down next to you on your bed.

“It’s got a Kinder Surprise in it” I say and take the ring out of the box “I didn’t know where to buy one, so I bought a girl’s Kinder Surprise, because they don’t put rings in boy’s Kinder’s. I don’t know why”

“I love it” you tell me, looking at the small silver ring with a blue rock in it “I’m gonna wear it all the time”

“It’s like a promise ring, but not exactly a promise ring” I keep talking as your nose scrunches up and your eyebrows furrow “like in movies when they give each other rings and then they have to get married, so I’m sure I’m going to marry you, one day when we grow up, and that ring is so you don’t marry someone else” I say. Your face is half visible to me in the darkness, but I’m sure you are smiling. “So this is a proposition” I proudly announce

“It’s called a proposal, dummy” you say in your cheery voice and then leap at me to give me a hug “and I won’t marry anyone else”

“I have to put it on you now, that’s how you do it” I tell you and try to break the hug.

“Okay” you whisper in my ear and sit back a bit; I take your tiny hand in mine and put it on your lazy finger as I remember my father telling me to. You look a bit bemused but happy and it’s the best I’ve ever seen you.

“I don’t exactly know what love is” you speak up “but I think I love you” you pause a bit before continuing “you know... like you make me happy and tingly... so I think that’s love”

“Then I think I love you too”

I end up not crawling back into my house and when my mom comes to pick me up in the morning I wake you up and leave only after I give you kiss on the cheek, my mom shakes her head and yours laughs.

_vi_

_When you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me._

I come to the park at 4:28; you are sitting near the lake, exactly where you always sit under the oak tree that is leaning towards the abandoned carousel. Your shoulders are slumped and your backpack is sitting next to you.

Your face is full of worry when you look up at me.

“I’m sorry” I say “I’m sorry, I, I did it again” I almost cry when I see disappointment in your eyes

“It’s okay, Haz” you say, running your hand through your ginger locks “we’ll get through this”

I move your backpack and slump down next to you.

I say I’ll try harder next time and you run your hand up and down my neck. It’s soothing, like it always is.

“You’re only eighteen, you’ll be okay” you say “and if you won’t we’ll get you to rehab, yeah?” and I nod because the looks you give me do things. “Who hasn’t had a little bit of drug problem huh?” you try to chuckle but you can’t. You cup my cheek and give me the sweetest kiss and I can’t help but tear up, because how did I manage deserve you even when I’m at my lowest? 

“Hey don’t cry! I love you” you tell me and that’s all I need.

“I love you too, always”

_vii_

_I love how you play along with my bad ideas._

This time you are a girl and the most beautiful one I’ve ever met; your hair is wavy and you eyes dark blue and I’m in love with you from the day we meet in kindergarten

“Let’s run away” I tell you when we are sixteen and you are lying on my bed.

“Okay” you whisper and we run away the next morning.

None of us can drive and even if we could we don’t have a car, so we take the train to the next city. Then to another and another, before we run out of money and have to stop somewhere in Yorkshire and work in a barn for a bit, so we’ll earn enough to leave again.

You tell me “I love you” every night and I think I never want this to end as I say it back.

_viii_

_Before you grow up and realize they are bad ideas._

“I want to tell our parents” I blurt out once when we’re sitting in a tree house that is already too small for us. Your face is flushed and your back is sweaty and I never loved anything more than I love your naked torso, full of me and you

“You sure?” you look up at me with your innocent eyes.

“Yeah” I whisper “they’re going to find out one day anyway”. Your parents are very religious and they don’t accept us and you hesitate, tell me you aren’t sure, but I give you kiss and tell you no matter what they’ll still love you, like I will.

We tell them next day during lunch and your dad is furious. Your mom starts yelling and then crying and then they give you a duffle bag full of your stuff because you refuse to leave me and next thing we know we’re sitting in my kitchen telling my mom and she’s giving you a hug.

She’s very hippie and lets you stay with us, I’m very happy but you aren’t. You cry at night and say it was a bad idea and I silently agree.

_ix_

_(And in our times together I have many bad ideas)_

It was my idea; I thought I would be fun .

“Let’s rob the store down the road” I suggest when we are laying naked on a ragged motel bed, sticky and sweaty and exhausted and you agree

It’s not that easy, we don’t take much, just what we need to survive for a week or so, but the cashier has a gun and he tells you to drop everything and run before he shoots you but you look at me and I just grin. So you don’t run, but you should have.

There’s a gunshot but I don’t feel any pain. Then I look behind me and you are there, falling on the floor, with a patch of red making its way around your whole stomach.

“Hey, hey” I kneel before you, taking your head in my hands “hey, look at me, babe, hey” I say and completely ignore the cashier or police sirens from distance

“Hey” you croak out, looking at me with hooded eyes “hey, I’m here, not going any- anywhere” you tell me, smiling weakly .

“No, no you are not. Police is gonna be here soon and they’ll bring meds with them, you know how they always do” I try to chuckle between words, but I can’t.

“Yeah” you whisper “do you know how beautiful you are?” you smile “very beautiful, the most beautiful” you cough up blood “I love you so much sunshine. Gonna marry you one day” another cough, with way more blood “maybe tomorrow, we, we are close to Vegas anyways”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll get married in Vegas tomorrow just stay with me okay? Stay with me, don’t leave me please. Don’t go I love you” I choke out through sobs as your eyes start to slip shut.

“Yeah, I’m al- always with you, I love ya” you whisper “just gonna take a nap for a bit” you say and close your eyes and I know you will ever open them again, I kiss you cold lips and that’s it.

I put a bullet through my chest and hope that you will be there the next time I’m alive.

_x_

_When we meet as adults you are always more discerning. I don’t blame you._

You want to divorce and I’m not going to tell you no, never.

“we can’t do it anymore” you say “I don’t want to spend more time hurting you or myself”

We’ve been stressing it out for so long now.

“I don’t want to have to drag you home every night because you are too drunk” you tell me “you are perfect in every other way, but I cannot take the drinking”

Your eyes always look tired when you look at me and you don’t love me anymore.

But I love you still, I love you when you yell at me and when you sleep on the couch and I love you even when you tell me you are taking the kids with you.

You pack your things and give me a final kiss and then you leave. You have Jamie on your hip and Kevin is holding your hand. You’re out of the door and I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life because you are walking away and I love you.

_xi_

_Yet always, you forgive me, as if you understand what’s going on._

I can’t say I’m sorry, I’ve done it so many times and even I know that it lost its power. I can’t apologize or try to buy you with gifts and romantic gestures; they’ve lost their meanings a long time ago too.

So I just stand there and say that I’m in love with you.

“Its okay” you say and smile. I know it’s not “you don’t have to do this, I’m not mad”. You are.

“I don’t know what happened! I was just talking to my coach and then he, he was, he was there. I don’t know what happened then I just, I have no idea. I woke up and it wasn’t you and then you were there and he was in our bed and I want to say I’m sorry, but I don’t deserve your forgiveness”. The plane takes off and I have to sit down, and it take my everything to not come sit next to you. I take the seat in front of you and I hate myself so much because you are so close, so pretty and sweet and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever see in my life and I’m just a pile of dirt

“I forgive you” you tell me “just… just don’t hurt me anymore” your lips are smiling but your eyes are looking at me with desperation and I want to jump out of this plane and kill myself.

“I, I won’t” I choke “I know how much effort you put into this trip, I know you had to leave the company and get this plane ready and I know you paid so much and I know that I hurt you, finding me like that this morning, and I promise with everything I won’t hurt you ever again” I look at you and you smile and it reminds me of the first time.

How are you this brilliant?

“It doesn’t matter” you say, your voice is low like it will hurt you to actually speak to me, like we always do. I hate myself. “You hear me? It doesn’t matter, it’s alright” you reach out and take my hand, tugging me to come closer.

You do it all the time.

You were never like this, but now, here, where I have black hair and you are naturally blonde and your hair always smells like expensive cologne and I always smell like sweat. Here, you always touch me. I think maybe you don’t want to tell me to go as much I don’t want you to leave.

I sit on your lap and I feel like I just came home from a long trip.

“None of it matters. My company, my jets, my money; none of it matter, you hear that?” you run your hand down my back. I can hardly nod. “All that matters is you, you can quit playing and I’ll quit everything I have and I’ll freeze every account but I’ll still want to be with you, because I love you, you listen to this. I love you more than anything. Nothing else matters, _he_ doesn’t matter to me, you do.” You choke back a tear as you say it. “So don’t think that you owe me, you don’t. If you don’t want to stay with me, if you don’t want to be with me I’ll understand, because all that matters is you. Not me, not anyone or anything else” I’ve never hated myself this much.

“I-“I start but I don’t know what to say, you heart is beating so fast where my palm is lying, I’m scared. You heart never changes, wherever we are, whoever, whenever, your heart is always the same and that’s probably why I keep looking for you in all these lifetimes. “I only want you, I only love you, I only want to be with you. You’re the only thing that matters to me too” you stare at me and I will never understand how you have such adoration towards me after all I’ve done, in this (or different) lives

“Okay” you whisper and take my hand “okay” you repeat, kissing the back of my hand. “I know it wasn’t the first, but I want you to promise me that it will be the last” your face is serious and your eyes are hurt. I did this to you. I’m a horrible person.

“I promise, with everything I have, even you, you are my everything, I will never do anything like that, never in my life, I’ll be yours only” you nod and mumble another okay.

You make sweet love to me against the window of your private jet and this will always be my favourite memory of every lifetime.

_xii_

_And you are trying to make up for all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn’t exist._

I’m sure there are some lifetimes in which I don’t exist and those are the ones I hate the most. Where I don’t get to see different shapes and versions of you and I don’t get to love you in every way that you are. I dwell on those ones more than the ones in which you don’t exist

I have pictures and dreams of you looking exactly like when we first met and that’s when I know that you don’t exist. I weep for you everyday.

_xiii_

_And the ones where we just, barely, never meet._

You pass by me in train station, your hair is long and eyes green, I see you and I love you. You get on the train and your eyes lock in mine through the glass of the wagons door and I wonder if you know. The train moves and I spend a whole lifetime looking for you .

But I never find you again

_xiv_

_I hate those. I prefer the ones in which you kill me._

I see you holding the gun that is too rough for your little hands and the frown that looks too ugly for your tender face.

You are aiming at me.

There are people standing by the door, people who you never should have met, never should have seen, in tailored suits with guns at their hips. They control too much and take away everything.

“Please don’t” I whisper. It echoes through the whole abandoned warehouse, coming back to me. “I love you” it’s barely a whisper but you hear it.

You shudder and then shake your head, your black locks brushing from you chest and revealing the golden necklace adorning your collarbones and disappearing under the neck of your dress.

“It’s all just a mission” you tell me “I might have loved you too, but the mis- mission comes first” you stutter. Your hands tremble, titling the barrel of the gun, pointing it right at my chest. One of the guys coughs and you nod. “Nothing personal, sunshine” you say and pull the trigger. Last thing I see is the single tear rolling down your face.

I wonder how you live your life after you killed your husband.

But then I know, I’ve killed you several time too many, too.

_xv_

_But when all’s said and done, I’d rather surrender to you in other ways._

“Hi” you whisper as soon as you step inside the Astronomy Tower. Your face is flushed and your robe dusty. “I had to climb some walls; Head Boy was out there roaming around the halls. And I also forgot my wand” you chuckle a bit, taking my hand in yours “you got here fine?”

“Yeah, got my scarf a little dirty” I get it out from under my sweater. There’s a black stain on my blue and silver scarf “crashed into this Teddy kid in bathroom and spilled some  of the potion on it; must have been Gillyweed Juice, didn’t close the bottle properly”

“Its okay,” you kiss me “it’ll wash out. I love your tie, love knowing how smart you are” you kiss me again and I cannot breathe. You make me as nervous as you ever have this time, in here. You make me nervous all the time; when you kiss me or just look at me across the classroom, you make me nervous when you smile at me and I end up with a Mandrake biting my finger.

“Let’s get it going yeah?” you whisper against my lips.

“Okay” I say as I reach into my pockets getting tiny bottles out and handing them to you.

You mix the potion and your eyes are sparkling when you show it to me.

“Is it supposed to look this disgusting?” you ask and I shrug and nod, it does look very disgusting “You sure it won’t explode?”

“No, I’m first in my Potions class” I remind you and you laugh again, a bit too loudly.

“So it’s like Invisibility Potion?” you ask, waiting for me to get the last ingredient inside the bigger jar.

“No,” I say “it just creates the illusion in a person’s mind. Like if they walk in they won’t see or hear us; like they’ll see what they always see, an empty Astronomy Tower”

“Wouldn’t it be weird? Like if they walked when we’re, you know” you trail off blushing a bit; you blush quite a lot sometimes. When your skin is light or you are shy. But now you are not, you are very endearing and brave and you don’t blush around me, and I love that now you do.

“That’s why we’re making the potion” I explain.

“No, like, they won’t see us but imagine doing it when McGonagall is standing there! I have kinks but sex while my Headmistress is standing there isn’t one of them, babe, sorry”. You laugh at the end, pulling me closer. They might walk in, I know, I know I can’t do it in dorm rooms and not in bathroom. Nowhere. But you want it and I want to give you everything you want. My clothes, my first kiss, my Potions book, my heart, my notes, and now, even my first time.

 “Hey, don’t sweat it, I love you” you say.

“Love you too”

“We’ll be okay”

And we are.

_xvi_

_Even though each time I know I’ll see you again, I always wonder, is this the last time? Is that really you?_

“I’m never letting you go”. I hold you tight around your torso, you look very beautiful;  it’s an autumn morning and you have class, and I want to have you.

“But you have to, babe” you say, untangling yourself from me, pulling your shirt on. “I’ll fail if you don’t; won’t get my degree, can’t become successful lawyer and won’t be able to buy you all the beautiful things”

“I don’t want beautiful things,” I say, half hanging from the bed “I want you”

“I know,” you lean down to kiss me “but I have to go” and then you are out of the door.

I wait ‘til midnight before I come looking for you because you aren’t coming home.

I find you in the pub, you are sitting too close to your classmate. Legs entwined and I’m trying not to be sad.

“Babe!” you say when you see me, smiling sloppily at me “come here” you beckon me and I have nothing else to do than come and slide into the booth next to you.

You keep laughing and smiling and you don’t scoot closer to me. I have my head against your chest and all I can do is listen to your heart and make sure that it’s still the same and you are really you.

_xvii_

_And what if you’re already perfectly happy without me?_

I see you sitting in the library, book open in front of you. You’re wearing a blue sweater and black glasses.

You look so real. I missed you so much and I don’t know what to do. So I just say hi.

“Hello” you look up and smile at me “do I know you?” you ask, adjusting your glasses

“No” I sit down next to you “I was going to get coffee, but the barista is kind of scary, and you look like you could use a cuppa, so maybe you could accompany me?” I’m not nervous. You are so young and beautiful, you should just be with me.

“Okay” you smile “my boyfriend will be here in five minutes; he just went to return the book, and we’ll help you against this scary barista” you chuckle, and I try not to look as broken hearted as I am.

“Okay”

Your boyfriend comes along and I wish I never asked you for coffee, because he says you are pregnant and you smile goofily and I try to keep broken pieces of my heart from falling out.

Maybe next time.

_xviii_

_Ah. But I don’t blame you; I’ll never burn as brilliantly as you. It’s only fair that I should be one._

You are on top of the world.

There are people around you, your family, friends, and colleagues.

“You did it, Niallo” your friends scream and they lift you up and I watch from the corner. Everyone is all over you and I want to be there too but you shine so brightly that I think you might blind me if I come any closer.

“You won it!” your sister screams and you nod, screaming even louder.

You won the case, probably the biggest one. And now you are going to be even bigger. Everyone’s going to know your name by tomorrow you are going to be all over television and I will watch you on every channel.

“Hey cutie” you say when you escape your guests “wanna get out?” you ask me slinging your arms around me and I feel like home.

“No, you hang out with your friends, celebrate”

“Nah” you laugh “only wanna be with you”. You kiss my nose and I still don’t know why you stay with me; you are so bright and loud, the most talented person around and I’m plain boring me, accountant at my dad’s company. And you, you shine so brightly, you are a lighthouse and I’m just a flickering light bulb.

“Hey, you here?” you flick my nose.

“Yeah” I whisper “yeah, let’s go, if you want to”

“of course I want to, you dummy” you kiss my temple and that’s it. We slip out from back door and you take me to the lake; we drink champagne you stole and you look like everything I ever wanted.

“What can I do to congratulate you?” I ask and you laugh loudly.

“Nothing, princess” you kiss me “I love you” and you laugh again.

“Love you too”

_xix_

_To chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you’ll return to me._

I just watched you make the simplest word sound like the most beautiful thing anyone ever could think of.

“Harry!” you call my name as we swing open the dressing room’s door and suddenly you’re on my back “Did ya see what we did there?” you yell in my ear .

“I don’t think there’s anyone in this country who didn’t, babe” Zayn says from beside us.

“Yeah, Niall” Louis quips from behind, dragging Liam with hands on his waist “it’s not like you were subtle” he laughs as they fall over the couch.

“Yeah, sunshine” I kiss your temple “I think the cat’s out of the bag for good now”

“Nah” you say, jumping down “they’re still gonna need our confirmation”

“You think?” Liam says “it’s not like you two just snogged on the stage like there was no tomorrow”

“I don’t care,” you slump on the arm chair, pulling me down onto your lap “who could resist this, huh?”. You drag my lips with your thumb and I don’t even protest, I hardly ever protest because I just cannot resist you. “Huh,  Liam? Could you resist this?”. You kiss me again, quicker and softer.

“Oh God” Zayn groans “not again, please!” and you start laughing in my mouth.

“Shut up, mate” you flip him off “you’re just jealous that you’re not in love with someone as fucking awesome as Harry”

“Yeah,” I say “you all are just so fucking jealous that you’re not as disgustingly in love as we are”

“Yeah! You tell ‘em baby!” you pull me even closer and we may just fall on the floor any second “And now we’re gonna be the best couple ever and steal your spotlights”

“Please do” Louis mumbles and you laugh again.

I don’t remember lots of people, but I’ll remember them. I feel like even after thousand more lifetimes I will still remember these three guys and you. Of course you. So bright and light and on top of the world, like you should always be.

“We will. Gonna be the new Posh and Becks” you kiss me again and I think if I die this time and don’t wake up again, I think I’ll be okay. I’d love to remember you like this forever; happy and proud and so in love with me. And this life, with these boys, yeah. Maybe this is the one where you come back to me.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading and leave comments if you liked or didn't like, i guess :)


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